I always say, “You don’t want obedient children; you want responsible children.” 

People get shocked. 

But it’s true. 

We teach our kids—especially girls in Latino cultures—to “obey.” 

That’s why we get into trouble. 

An obedient child doesn’t know how to defend themselves. But a responsible child will say, “Don’t touch me” or “Stop, that hurts.” 

My name is Eleanor Aguilera, and I am the Lead Domestic Violence Therapist at CPLC Amanecer Community Counseling Services in Los Angeles, California. 

Growing up, I loved reading. But whenever I read at home, I had to hide, or I’d get into trouble. 

My grandparents, who raised me, valued hard work. And to them, reading was for lazy people. 

It didn’t matter that I excelled in school—being a “good girl” meant cleaning and knowing how to keep a house. 

So I was obedient. 

Until I was 25 years old, when my husband encouraged me to go to college. 

It became like a drug to me. The more I learned, the less I knew. 

I went from being an obedient, young woman to realizing I have ideas and opinions, that I’m important, and that I have value. 

That’s why today, I always encourage my clients to return to school. I want them to discover for themselves the power in education. 

At Amanecer, I work with women—and men—who escaped or are currently facing domestic violence. Many of them seek our services in secret, having to hide in closets or wait until their partner leaves the home. 

Through therapy, I help my clients discover what they can do and recognize they have value and the power to leave their abuser. 

At times, it's frustrating to see a client work hard and make progress, only to see them return to their abuser once more. 

Some of the women I see grew up abroad, with different mindsets that are very ingrained and hard to unlearn. Beliefs that limit what they think they’re capable of and the kind of love they deserve. 

When I think about our roots, I feel conflicted. 

Our Latino cultures are rich and beautiful: full of music, food, and traditions. 

But you can’t put women in their little cage and expect them to obey and stay there. And you can’t teach men to be machistas. 

Yet, we can’t turn our backs on our beautiful culture. 

Instead, we need to take a closer look and ask “why” we do certain things and how we can do better. 

Let's tell new, healthier stories about who we are. That’s how we raise responsible children who grow to become respectful and strong adults. 

Sincerely,

Eleanor Aguilera

Lead Domestic Violence Therapist, Amanecer